“I don’t feel sorry for them. They made their choices. In fact, I don’t feel sorry for anyone at all. And you shouldn’t either!”
Alrightythen.
The park mum who had recently taken up residence on the prime position park bench beside me was starting to look vaguely ruffled. My inner psychic sensed that now was not a good time to discuss the woeful state of my balcony geraniums. The words “water”, “fertilizer” and “choice to neglect or nurture” were likely to be forthcoming. A sympathetic hug was unlikely.
This was the first time the park mum and I had exchanged pleasantries and I still don’t know her name. So lets just call her “Rose”. Anyway, it turns out Rose had been thrown more life challenges than her immaculate appearance suggested. I would go so far as to say that after hearing her story, most people’s natural instinct would be to “feel sorry” for Rose. So her fiercely antagonistic view on the “feeling sorry for someone” concept was both intriguing and worthy of respectful consideration, as she’d probably had more cause to contemplate the issue than most.
As I have always understood it, “feeling sorry” for someone is an expression of empathy. It’s about saying that you can see the difficulty someone else has endured and that you appreciate the pain that they have experienced. And you want to help them work through that experience. So why would Rose revolt against this so fiercely?
I strongly suspect it’s because people have always felt sorry for her. And that’s the last thing she wants. Or needs. She rejects it vehemently.
She’s happy with her lot. She’s thrown down the gauntlet to life … and she’s winning. She’s intensely proud of her triumphs. And so she should be. In her eyes, there’s nothing to feel sorry for. She would resent you if you did. And that’s ok … it’s her call, I guess.
But not everyone is Rose.
We all know people who are living an apparently charmed life… but who are sinking. Spinning deeper and deeper into the dark depths of despair. They are so lost they don’t know which way is up or where to reach. They’re drowning.
Who can feel sorry for someone who is leading such a charmed life?
Rose is adamant that she would not feel sorry for them. She would argue that they don’t know true suffering as she has. Whenever she measures someone else’s challenges by her own yardstick, they will invariably come up short. Yet not everyone has her inner strength. Her tenacity. Or her resilience.
Now I don’t want to take anyone back to the horror of high school English symbolism interpretation, but some of you may remember the character Mayella Ewell in the novel “To Kill A Mockingbird”. The Ewell house was said to be a chaotic, decaying mess, yet “against the fence, in a line, were six chipped-enamel slop jars holding brilliant red geraniums”. She tended to her geraniums with great care and as a result, they were a beautiful display of vibrant colour, starkly contrasting their depressing, unkempt surrounds. Mayella’s life was not a good one by any stretch of the imagination. So for Mayella, the geraniums symbolized hope. The belief that there was the potential for good in everyone. That hope was all she had.
What if, hypothetically, Rose had sat down next to Mayella in the park one day and heard about the woeful state of her geraniums?
There is such a negative connotation associated with feeling sorry for someone. It implies that you are encouraging them to wallow in misery. But surely out of feeling sorry for someone comes a sense of compassion and a willingness to help them work through it, rather than encouraging them to simply brush it under the carpet and let it fester and eat away at them? Even if that help is simply a matter of listening, understanding and acknowledging what they’ve been through.
Mayella and I both have the same love of geraniums, yet what their woeful demise means for each of us could not be more different.
Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in awhile, or the light won’t come in. – Alan Alda
Do you ever see the value in feeling sorry for someone?
Great post Misha and an interesting question. Maybe it is the negative connotations of feeling “weak” or of “having failed” in some way that makes people resent the sympathy of others. (even though most times this is not the case). Empathy I guess relates more to that feeling of recognising someones situation and letting them know there is a level of understanding and hence seems less awkward than sympathy…but the difference is subtle and probably has more to do with the personality of the recipient. On another point you touched on, I remember when my daughter passed away, one of my friends failed to tell me about a significant but not life threatening diagnoses for her own daughter because she later told me it would seem awful for her to complain about that in comparison to what I had just been through. I had to explain to her that whilst it was not nearly as devastating in relative terms, for my friend it was a major thing going on in her life and I was not immune from being affected by little things anymore just because I had been through something so awful. Just as I was ok to accept sympathy, I was also still ok to give it out too. I don’t know if I’ve answered your question but I’ve rambled a bit so thanks for getting my brain working first thing in the morning! x
This is such a thoughtful reply, Martine. You articulated the subtleties of handling this kind of situation so well… and answered my question beautifully. Thank you so much. xo
Okay, I have written my comment a few times Misha and I just can’t get the wording right… So I think I am just going to stick with the clichéd ‘Great Post’ because it is and you made me think about a lot of things… And I might just have to pull out my copy of To Kill A Mockingbird.
Thanks for persisting Amy! There’s probably no straight answer, which is why it had been bothering me. I think I’ll persist with “feeling sorry” for people if I feel it will help… to not do so is to turn your back and that doesn’t sit right with me.
Wow Misha! Such a thoughtful post. I think there is value in feeling sorry for someone, in that I believe empathy is such an important emotion/quality to possess. I hope that it is one thing I can instill in my daughter. I wonder, though, if people feel weakened by the concept of being felt sorry for? I’ve never thought how empathy could be positive for the beholder, but possibly taken as negative to the receiver.
I think that’s a very good point to make Mandie. It just makes me sad when I hear more and more stories about people feeling disconnected from society… and then when there is a notion floating about that we should not feel sorry for anyone because they made their own bed etc… I worry that the problem is going to get exacerbated, not better.
Wow, what a great post. You certain got me thinking and that’s not always easy
. I don’t know how to answer you question yet. I am going to have to think for longer. Have a great day. Rachel xx
I don’t think it’s one that has an easy answer… and everyone is probably different anyway. Have a great day too! x
we all have our own language and meaning to what “suffering” means and in each and every ones world, they have their own things going on. This is empathy. We may not understand what is going on, or appreciate it, but empathise that for that individual, their is the pain. xx
That’s true Tahlia. We shouldn’t need to understand it intellectually in order to be able to empathise…. it’s relating to that person’s individual experience.
I think not feeling sorry for anyone is a wall people put up when they can’t see suffering in others because then they would have to see the suffering in themselves or to see that they are not alone in suffering. and that would weaken the wall…. if that makes sense. it makes sense in my head.. I can see myself staying up all night thinking about this post.. its a fab one!
Actually that makes a lot of sense… maybe the reason she refused to look at the suffering in others is because she couldn’t bear to see suffering in herself. What a great insight Sarah!
Great post Misha! I suppose the whole thing is feeling empathy for someone rather than sympathy. Most people don’t want other sympathy or pity, but they do take strength in people who can empathize with them – the whole, I have walked in your shoes, or can put myself in your shoes and can have an understanding of how you must be feeling. Good post to get us thinking
Good point! There is a fine line of difference between sympathy and empathy… and people prefer the latter. Thanks Chantel!
That was such a great, well thought through post. I think there is such value in having compassion for someone – how on earth can we valuely each other without it,its part of the glue that binds relationship together. Empathy is hugely important. I imagine that Rose probably does not have many friends. Resiliance is one thing, and I hear the merit in what she is saying but her attitude could stand in the way of real friendhip.
You are right… it was a bit of an intense position to hold considering it was the first time we’d really talked and in all reality, it will make me more hesitant around her the next time we meet. And thanks for the Twitter RT too! x
Interesting Questions – I guess I dont feel sorry for someone but more of a feeling of awe – as in “WOW, they are so strong to go through life with their situations and still be able to smile” – that is the true inner beauty..someone still going through life and still finding a way to smile. Great post about your park bench friend.